Monday, April 16, 2012

Date with El Cheapo, the dog whisperer

Second man- this one, two dates!

As you can imagine- date number one was successful otherwise date number 2 would not have occurred. But, oh the disappointment! I swear, it was like I went on a date with another person.

The first date happened in a bar- it was very pleasant and relaxed. It ended a little abruptly when he said he had to go as he had to take his dog out. He repeated the fact he was worried his dog would poo in his absence many times. But, I did not think much of it- he was nice, honest and fun. What's a little poo talk during the first date? Not that bad right? I should have known better.

Date number 2 was organized a few days later- the idea being we would go for a walk and I would get to meet his puppy. That's his dog, not his genitals.

So, I travel out to the boonies where he picks me up. The dog was quite excited to meet me which it showed by nipping at my hands- FYI that fucking hurt- but I kept it to myself. She was just excited to meet me right?

So, we go for a walk. But, things are stiff. The conversation that is, not his genitalia. I don't feel particularly comfortable. Things are about to get worse when we start discussing nationalities and race. Now, I am not racist by any definition, in fact I have serious issues with any sort of discrimination. So, when he started to talk about the black slaves in the United States and human rights, I thought I would chip in my two cents on how they were treated. Except, it came out like this: "Oh, but when they arrived they were not considered people. They were slaves-so they had no rights". I thought I was only contributing to the conversation with regards to the horrific treatment of these prisoners....but he thought I was expressing my own opinion on black people. Which resulted in a mortifying 20 min whereby I was trying to convince him I was not a terrible racist.

I got out of that storm...now you would think we could laugh that off- but no. I still think he did not believe me. Anyhow, we change the conversation and start talking about travelling. He is chatting away when all of a sudden he says with a fierce authoritative tone "POOP!" I am shocked for a couple of seconds and then muster the strength to say "I beg your pardon.." His response "No, not you. I am teaching my dog to poop on command". Yes, that's right- you can't make this shit up- and visibly neither could the dog- here I was on a date with the dog whisperer teaching his dog to shit on command. Imagine the power trip he must feel- I felt sorry for the dog.

So- here I am walking around some park, on a date with a guy who thinks I am a racist and who randomly shouts out "POOP", sometimes in mid-sentence (either his or my sentence- that did not seem to bother him).

We finish our walk- and you would think I would be a smart cookie and ask to head home. No- I decide to go for dinner with him. The place is OK- not up to my snobbish standards, but not many places are. He says it is genuine ethnic home cooked food- I seriously doubt it. I still cannot believe the portions served here. Anyways, during dinner we are talking about grocery shopping- he keeps saying that us Europeans are so different in our ways..blah blah blah. He's never been to Europe, so I let him go on about how us Europeans live. And then, he blurts out what any woman most desires to hear: "I am cheap" Why does he say that? Well because I had just said I would prefer to pay a few more dollars for quality instead of quantity. He disagrees...

Needless to say, it was clear that El Cheapo and I were not going to go on that 3rd date. And to his credit, he did send me a nice text the next day telling me he did not feel any chemistry and wished me all the best. I thought that was the sign of a good man who at least had the decency not to lie to me. So, I wish him all the best with his quest to find true love and to make his dog shit on command.

In the meantime, I have deleted his number and look forward to meeting new men and have new adventures.

Bye bye El Cheapo. The search continues....

Date with Von Bismark, the most intelligent man in the world

First date with my first man! How exciting!!!

I get to the place and get a text that he got a table to the left- oh the jitters! Then I see him sitting at the table. He seems nice. I sit down across from him. Order my glass of wine- everyone is all smiles.

So, he is a super intelligent engineer who managed to invent all sorts of cool things during his studies landing him a super important position in a major wireless telecom company. He is very intelligent and he knows it.

He seems nice and I like his smile. It would seem the conversation is flowing nicely. The first sign that things are odd occurs during his explanation of his job. I am following his explanation when all of a sudden he uses the word "correlation" and stops in mid-sentence. He then starts giving me the definition of the word "correlation" before returning to his explanation. I was a bit taken aback by this- he must think I thick or dumb! I decide I am obviously not coming across as the sharpest knife in the drawer, so I engage more in the conversation and also point out my academic achievements. (As you can imagine, my confidence was a little frazzled).

The waiter comes and asks if we want to order food. Von Bismark here orders something I do not hear- and the waiter turns to me. Well- I had not been given a menu and my date had not had the common sense to hand me his, so, I ordered what he was having. After the waiter leaves I ask Von what we were having- turns out it was a pizza with garlic prawns on it (YUCK!) Von B then starts defining the word "prawn" to me!!!!!! "A prawn is the British word for shrimp" he says smuggly. Oh really?! Thank you Einstein- must me my lucky day some fucking genius dains sup in my company. I think he noticed the shocked look on my face- "But, of course you know what a prawn is- you lived in the UK".

The food arrives- really, there are no words to describe how disgusting this thing was. Pizza Hut make better pizza. I ended up picking the PRAWNS off the pizza and ate them. He loved it- even finished mine. He then gets up and excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He returns a few seconds later, picks up his cell phone and goes back to the toilet. I realize two things at that moment: 1) this guy is fucking short- I mean I was taller than him and I am super short 2) I may not have the IQ of a savant, but when a man takes his phone to the toilet with him it is usually to occupy himself while he takes a shit. Or else, he is pretending to go to the toilet to make a call. Either way, I am thinking I want to get out of there.

He returns and then, here we go ladies: brush off sentence number 1: "I need to get back, I have to get up early tomorrow morning"- yeah right!

He pays (very decent of him, although I did propose to split it). As we walk out and are about to part ways he says, here we go ladies: total brush off number 2: "Lets stay in touch". Oh yeah, sure buddy old pal! I've always wanted to be "in touch" with an obnoxious midget. Also, be a man and just say good night.

No- I smiled politely, thanked him for dinner and walked home. On the way I deleted his number and started to get excited at the prospect of meeting someone else.

Bye bye Von Bismark! The search continues. 

New continent, new country, new city, new life and new dates

So I have not posted in a while- in fact this is my first post of the year! Hooray!

I moved to Vancouver, Canada nearly a month ago- a fantastic city which I am quickly falling in love with. On the subject of love- I decided to take matters into my own hands in order to meet men and joined a dating website. You know, one of those paid websites that advertise that they have their super duper highly evolved personality analyzer and that they scientifically match you to members of the opposite sex. Garanteed to find true love!!!  Complete rubbish if you ask me- but I am having fun with it. I get to meet men and I am enjoying it- so why not?

One thing I have learned about Vancouver men, and Vancouverites in general, is their love for the outdoors and exercise- I am not kidding. And who can blame them when you have so much beauty and nature to explore around you. However, judging by some of the men's profiles, it can be a bit extreme. One guy mentioned that if he did not do at least 3 hours of exercise and outdoor sports each day, he feels bad. Wow- imagine if I were to propose a night in or a sneaky sleep-in- he would feel so bad he might be sick!

Another thing I have learned about Vancouver men is that those who have dogs LOVE their dogs. In some of the men's profiles there are a few pics of them hugging their dogs and, in some cases, actual pics of just their dogs. I mean....who puts a pic of their dog on their dating profile?!!!!!! I don't want to date your dog- I want to potentially date you without wondering if I will competing for your affections. ╬ťaybe the men think that the dog pics will make us women swoon and rush to out to date them. Maybe it works with some women. But I just press the delete button.

On the subject of freaky photos on dating profiles: men holding young kids. OK guys- here's the deal. When I see on your DATING profile, pictures of you holding young kids, this is what is going through my head: 1) are those his kids? and 2) if those are not his kids, he wants kids in the not too distant future. Now, I have asked other women what they thought of this- we all agree that some men must think that we all have that maternal instinct and instantly fall in love with men when they show how great they are with kids. Not so- I press delete.

Another stupid faux-pas from men with their profile pics: photos of them hugging/holding other women (who are obviously not their mom). I don't care if that is actually your sister- think about it...you have put a picture of yourself with another woman on a DATING profile that your potential female dates are going to judge you by! I don't want to see you with another woman- I want to be able to picture myself as the woman you might hold some day! I don't understand the logic in this one- so I press delete.

Do I sound picky? Well, I am because I know what I want. I want to meet someone who respects me, likes me and wants to share a life with me. I have found some men that seem interesting and started to engage in online conversation. I have started to go out on dates. Each man I go out on a date with will have a dedicated post. They will remain anonymous and be given nicknames.

Let the fun begin!