Sunday, October 30, 2011

Socializing in the UK, otherwise known, as the art of holding your drink- part 1

Friday night....the weekend has officially begun and its time for that well deserved drink or two with friends and colleagues. Here in London, its time to get drunk with your friends and colleagues. And here lies my problem: I am a lightweight and have little to no alcohol tolerance. I am giggly by the end of the first glass, slightly woozy by the second and well, pretty gone by the third. But, this is England and whole nights are dedicated to the sole purpose of getting "rat assed", "trollied", "pissed"..... So what did I do last Friday?

Well, I don't remember everything that happened last friday night- a bit like in "The Hangover" when the guys wake up and start piecing the bits back together to find their friend. Except, in my case, I have flashbacks of embarassing moments,particularly stupid things I said and did. I have a vague recollection of asking a guy out. I pictured the following scene: I walk over confidently, say something witty and then ask him to the movies. At first, I giggled to myself "well done!" but as I was nursing my hangover I suddenly remembered that this happened after my second glass of wine. I thought about it a little longer and started to remember how this actually happened: we were crowded outside a pub and some ass wipe burned my cloth bag with his cigarette- after expertly slurring out some insults that no one understood I turned to find myself standing next to a cute colleague of mine. I remember him laughing a lot- no doubt at the fact I was swaying and probably drooling all over myself. Then he left and I FOLLOWED him! (CRINGE!) I followed him around for a while- like some hound following her prey. Then, I told him he should go to the movies with me (that's right-I didn't ask him)- staying with the hound image,I was barking orders at him. I think he said yes- but for when I have no idea because I cannot remember.

Saturday morning, I found out I had his number and that he and I had had a 15 mins phone conversation at 2 am- over what, I have no idea. I am mortified over my actions on Friday and how others must have perceived me. But, I am told this is the norm here in the UK. The truth is, it is not the norm for me. I manage to embarass myself enough as it is without needing alcohol to give me that added boost. One thing is for sure though, tomorrow I am going to work and I will have to face all those who witnessed my shameful behavior. I will also have to face my cute colleague and try to understand what did happen and if indeed he and I are going on a date this week.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Don't try this at work

Ever had a sudden craving to run around the (empty) office just because it could be fun? How about skipping or doing ballet leaps? Well, just a friendly warning- make sure you really are alone.

I got to work early as I wanted to get some work done before the frenzy of demands come pouring in. The open office I am in usually has around 30-40 people. It was empty and TOO tempting. Tchaikovsky's "Sleeping Beauty" blaring in my head, I became an impromptu ballerina and treated myself to a couple of graceful and elegant laps around the open space. (For the record, I never did ballet- this was my improvised version of ballet- stunning) No doubt to any onlooker I looked like a giggling mad cow galloping around with my arms flailing about- I didnt care, it was exhilirating. But why stop there I think....why not glide myself to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee?

After a little twist, I sauteed over to the door leading to the kitchen. I daintily pushed the door open and leapt out.... "Hello" says a totally startled young man while I am airbourne. I gracefully land on his feet and start screaming in his face with fright. It was uncontrollable- I was so scared! Not only because I had not seen him but also much had he seen??? Poor guy comes to work early to calmly start his day only to come face to face with a high pitched hysteric. I was so mortified I could barely apologize as I felt the color fill my cheeks- I can only imagine what I looked like. He politely nodded and ran towards the safety of his desk- no doubt scarred for life. Moral of the story- do not act like a lunatic, you end up alone. ;)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Art of Seduction Part 1

On my way home from work today, there was a busker playing the electric guitar. He was really into it- giving it his all. He loved his tune and was rocking it....that is, the theme tune of The A-Team. Great tune, don't get me wrong- . This reminded me of my university years and weekend clubbing.

Why, might you ask? Well, in the UK, you have clubs that have "cheese"nights, which bascially means they will play all the top pop tunes- recent and past. Those were good nights- very boozy..being drunk was a requirement not only because this is England, but also, you had to be pissed in order to enjoy and dance on such classic tunes as "Hit Me Baby One More Time", "I would walk 500 miles" and the like. Bare in mind, that this was also the opportunity of seducing and "pulling" (a British term to mean hooking up with someone). I will discuss courtship in the UK in another post- but tonight- I wish to express my amazement at the lengths men will go to to seduce and, more importantly, what they think will make a woman swoon and fall to her knees (not for that...pervs).

So, in this club, every friday was cheese night. Every friday, I was there with my friends. Come 2am- everyone is plastered and it's pretty much your last chance to get some action for the night. And, you know, you would think a club would put some kind of slow, melodious tune to get the mood going. Well no. Lights up. Clear the dancefloor (which by now is covered by broken glass, spilled drinks and other unimaginable crap.) And here comes the show ladies....Blaring is the A-Team theme tune. Suddenly, men go wild with hormones, booze and desperation to attract one of us ladies. And yes, you guessed it girls- what is the one thing that seduces us most in a know, that thing that we immediately associate with pure virile manliness, that makes us want a man more than anything in the world....Forward Rolls!!!! I bet Brad Pitt, George Clooney and all those heartthrobs are masters when it comes to forward rolls..right? I mean, that's why they are so anyways....back in the real world club:

These men were fighting it out to see who could do the most forward rolls on that disgusting dancefloor. I'd never seen such a thing- grown men, showing off by rolling on the floor, cutting themselves on the broken glass....incredible!

And the best part....when the A-Team theme tune ended, the men, covered in the shit they had picked up while frolicking on the floor, would look around at us ladies with that proud "did you see that?! Now imagine what I can do with you" look. - Yeah, I've always dreamed of pressing my face against a booze, sweat and shit soaked's a right turn on.-

So then, these lads would shake hands and give man-hugs to the other male participants- congratulating each other on their manliness. We, the women, were of course all swooning- mostly due to the copious alcohol we had consummed- completely stunned at this display. I was never impressed, perhaps I am too difficult to please and my standards are too high- which would explain why I am still single. But, I have to admit, it was pure entertainment!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Quit while you are ahead?

Starting a new job, meeting new people and trying to make a good impression is always stressful. As a smoker, I have found that I have met many people by sharing a cheaky ciggie round the back or even sharing a lighter. This smokers camaraderie has always been, for me, one of smoking's greatest appeals. Until now.

Week three at work...I am starting to get the hang of things and getting a feel for the place. I am still new but people are getting used to me being around- might have even helped them. So, on this particular day, I go down to have a ciggie with my colleague. It's a sunny day, things are going well and I feel pretty good. We stand in the sun, watching people walk past us- yeah, I feel cool. I am about to light up when something literally explodes all over my head. I look at my arms and am shocked by the green muck all over them. My colleague is staring at me, a sort of half smile/half gag distorting her face.

I turn towards her, being careful as I do as I can feel goo sliding down my head- "Oh my it bad?" I only ask to confirm I have indeed been shat on by the sickest pigeon on Earth. "It's pretty bad...." Man, I am thinking of the embarrassing trip back up to the office: taking the always full elevator, walking through the open space to the bathrooms. So, I ask "Do you think I have time for a ciggie?" Her look told me NO and also showed a certain level of disgust towards my question. I have to quit smoking.

So, I did not smoke that cigarette, I took that full elevator and walked through that open space- all my new colleagues witnessed my walk of shame covered in bird shit. I went to the toilet and washed my hair in the tiny sink using up all the handsoap. Needless to say, I did not feel cool anymore. But, I had a good laugh anyways (as did all those who saw me that day.) No point taking things too seriously....Although, it would be nice to avoid further public humiliation if I am to finally meet and attract someone!!!!