Monday, November 28, 2011

Who's afraid of the big bad fart?

I think farts are simply hilarious- they are funny sounds, sometimes stinky smells, almost always a source of embarrasment as well as laughter. They are simple, they are free and they are natural- yet some people cannot come to terms with them: they get angry, flustered and sometimes aggressive (the people that is, not the farts- although farts too can be angry, flustered and sometimes aggressive- hee hee...). I have always found farts funny and I will never grow out of toilet humor...never. Nor do I want to. Best present ever with guaranteed hours of fun? A whopee cushion! People have asked me when I am going to grow out of it. Grow out of it? Why would I want to do that? Let's be honest, what kind of a person gets angry at a fart? Also, what kind of a person ignores a fart? I don't want to be one of them.

The best thing about farts? People's reactions to them: you have those who will do everything in their power to ignore them- even if the sound is deafening, the wind bracing and the smell toxic. Some start swearing under their breath, their angry eyes shooting accusatory glances around them, wildly seeking the culprit. Some are more vocal and express their disgust towards the one who delt it by insulting them. Then, there are people like me- who cannot help but laugh. I try and keep it in (the laughter that is) but then I start to smile. Smiling is the worst thing you can do when in this situation- because all of a sudden, everyone thinks it was you the Farter (which may or may not be true). You know what- it's a fart - get over it. Granted, some farts are worse than others- but still- they go away, they are not permanent.

Bit like life really- it's not permanent, it can be thoroughly unpleasant- in fact, it can downright stink. But, a little humor goes a long way and makes it all bearable. Ok- so not everyone might find them as funny as me- but ask yourself this if you ever catch yourself or witness someone else get mad at a fart- is it really worth it for a bunch of hot air?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Splashing along in life

How do people meet and fall in love? What is that magical moment that seems to "just happen" when you are not looking for it and that will forever change your life?

From what I gather in the UK you usually meet your true love in a bed (could be yours or his). You wake up  following a booze filled night of which you have almost no recollection, turn your head, look who is lying there and then decide if he's worth pursuing or not. He does the same with you- love blossoms or not.

But, Saturday, I saw the potential start of a beautiful love story in London- I mean Hollywood style. A friend and I were walking along a canal in Hackney. We came to a bridge and started to walk underneath when we noticed a most peculiar scene. An old, drunk angry man was shouting "You're fine! You're not hurt!"  at a woman sat on the edge of the bank with her feet in the water: She was visibly distressed and very wet. Behind her, an Adonis is moving her bike over to the side and ringing out her wet hat and bag. Sherlock Holmes would agree with me: this woman had fallen in the water and was being rescued and comforted- to a certain extent- by an old stinky drunk and a young man.

The woman, drenched and very possibly in shock, still had her red booted feet dangling in the water. But, she was not bothered by that. She started to scream and look up to the sky....hugging her ruined laptop. She tried to shake her laptop to get as much water out...but her efforts were futile. We asked if we could help, were told to fuck off by the old fart, and started to walk away. But, my mind was racing... I could not get over two things:

1) How precious that laptop seemed to her. It was as though she had lost her life, the way she was reacting. In my world, the only reasonable explanation was that she was possibly a writer who had just finished her masterpiece, had not backed up her work and rode her bike furiously to bring it to her editor...only she fell in the water when she swerved to avoid the drunk man, thus losing her precious work. In my world, that makes sense.

2) How gorgeous the young man was. He really was stunning. I actually considered throwing myself in the murky disgusting canal to see if he would save me.

All of this got me thinking: this could actually be that woman's lucky day- that magical moment where she meets her true love...a bit dramatic, I agree, but still a possibility. A knight rescuing his damsel in distress....OH HOW ROMANTIC!!!!!

It has occurred to me though that there could be many other interpretations, and indeed truths, of the scene I saw- but I like mine, it fits nicely and is sweet. I like the idea that something great can come from a truly shitty experience or day. Or perhaps I'm full of shit.

My friend and I continued along towards the market- both of us agreeing that the young man was absolutely one of the fittest real men we had ever seen- One day, I too will meet someone- there will be that moment... I just hope it's not hungover in his sheets. I'm not sure how I could tell that story to my future children and grandchildren. :)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Boggie and Me

This is my story of Boggie. A man who, without any shame or second thoughts, picked his nose in front of me on the London Tube. That was pretty gross- but then he actually ate his booger. He seemed to be fully enjoying his morning treat, completely oblivious to the fact that I was struggling with nausea and dangerous mounting levels of bile. I mean, who does that, especially in public? My first thought: Only men would do that. A woman would never do that- certainly not a single one- and get away with it. Is that an unfair assumption? I certainly believe that as women, we are expected to act more daintily and dignified and that men can get away with more daring behavior.

For instance, when you have a terribly itchy can't just scratch it if you are in public. NNNOOO!!!! That would be disastrous...imagine touching your own boob and scratching it...why it's practically masturbating in public! So, what do we do? We start shifting, crossing our arms, desperately trying  to find a way to relieve the itch without anyone noticing. Filled with embarassment, discomfort we struggle with the urge to just give in and scratch.... It's a boob for God's sake! Part of our bodies, of who we are... I actually envy men for their nonchalance towards public embarassment. They don't think twice- they don't care who is watching- all they care about is their comfort. So, when that ball sack starts to itch, they don't hesitate once to just grab it a give it a satisfying scratch.

But, back to my dear Boggie- there are standards of hygiene and social behavior which I believe everyone should respect- man or woman- and picking your nose and eating your bogie in public is totally out of bounds. Anyways, there is always a silver lining: Boggie could have rolled his booger between his fingers into a firm snot ball and then inadvertently flicked it in my face. I guess in the end, he did keep it to himself. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Yearning for that Gene Kelly moment

Remember the guy I asked out last Friday? Well, it's not going to happen. Although not surprised, I was seriously bummed about that today. So, I decided I was going to treat myself to a date with myself tonight. Just so happens that the BFI (British Film Institute) is screening MGM musicals over the next couple of months- possibly my favorite films of all time. Tonight's screening was "An American in Paris". I told my boss I needed some one on one time with Gene Kelly and she let me leave an hour early....OH the thrill and excitement!!!!! I had never watched an MGM musical on the big screen...serious treat! And it begins....

I love Gene Kelly- a truly talented dancer and entertainer. He makes me feel great. As I was watching him fall in love with Leslie Caron, I thought: what a lucky girl.... Thanks to the score and lyrics of the Gershwin brothers, this is what Jerry Mulligan (Kelly) serenades Lise (Caron) with on their FIRST date: "Our love is here to stay, Together we're going a long, long way". Yes, I am a sap and I do dream that one day a man will whisper beautiful words to me. It would be a refreshing change from "yeah, I'd shag you"or that ultimate classic "you seem nice...but is your friend available?"

Who hasn't dreamed of living a Gene Kelly moment? Who hasn't dreamed of being the cause of someone else's Gene Kelly moment? You know, where a man is so excited, enthralled and deeply in love with you that the only way he can express himself is by uncontrollably breaking into song and dance. MGM had it right, they had the formula with their uplifting and thrilling musicals....the formula for pure joy. DAMN YOU MGM!!!! Thanks to you my perception of love and romance is totally unrealistic and askew. In these movies true love always happens with one look. Then the man is so taken by the woman- he chases her, harasses her because he knows he cannot live a moment longer of his life without her...They sing, they dance...that's love right?

The later years would be something to see- them in their 70's swinging with their zimmerframes, risking a hip replacement or even a change of underwear when doing a pirouette (yes, that film would be called "Skidding in the Rain"). But back to romance...

I would love for a man to react as Gene Kelly does just because of the way he feels about me. I would also love to react like Gene Kelly because of a man. It's crazy, insane and completely unrealistic....I KNOW! But still, deep inside I think we all hope to feel such emotions that a rainy street suddenly becomes a stage for expressing yourself with delight. I have never been in love- but I imagine that when I do fall in love that I will break out into song and dance...even if it is only in my head. Tonight, I walked out of the movie theatre filled with joy and hope...alone. And I felt great. Thank you MGM, thank you Gene Kelly, Leslie Caron....I look forward to more dates with Kelly, Sinatra and many more. I also look forward to falling in love one day.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Socializing in the UK, otherwise known, as the art of holding your drink- part 1

Friday night....the weekend has officially begun and its time for that well deserved drink or two with friends and colleagues. Here in London, its time to get drunk with your friends and colleagues. And here lies my problem: I am a lightweight and have little to no alcohol tolerance. I am giggly by the end of the first glass, slightly woozy by the second and well, pretty gone by the third. But, this is England and whole nights are dedicated to the sole purpose of getting "rat assed", "trollied", "pissed"..... So what did I do last Friday?

Well, I don't remember everything that happened last friday night- a bit like in "The Hangover" when the guys wake up and start piecing the bits back together to find their friend. Except, in my case, I have flashbacks of embarassing moments,particularly stupid things I said and did. I have a vague recollection of asking a guy out. I pictured the following scene: I walk over confidently, say something witty and then ask him to the movies. At first, I giggled to myself "well done!" but as I was nursing my hangover I suddenly remembered that this happened after my second glass of wine. I thought about it a little longer and started to remember how this actually happened: we were crowded outside a pub and some ass wipe burned my cloth bag with his cigarette- after expertly slurring out some insults that no one understood I turned to find myself standing next to a cute colleague of mine. I remember him laughing a lot- no doubt at the fact I was swaying and probably drooling all over myself. Then he left and I FOLLOWED him! (CRINGE!) I followed him around for a while- like some hound following her prey. Then, I told him he should go to the movies with me (that's right-I didn't ask him)- staying with the hound image,I was barking orders at him. I think he said yes- but for when I have no idea because I cannot remember.

Saturday morning, I found out I had his number and that he and I had had a 15 mins phone conversation at 2 am- over what, I have no idea. I am mortified over my actions on Friday and how others must have perceived me. But, I am told this is the norm here in the UK. The truth is, it is not the norm for me. I manage to embarass myself enough as it is without needing alcohol to give me that added boost. One thing is for sure though, tomorrow I am going to work and I will have to face all those who witnessed my shameful behavior. I will also have to face my cute colleague and try to understand what did happen and if indeed he and I are going on a date this week.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Don't try this at work

Ever had a sudden craving to run around the (empty) office just because it could be fun? How about skipping or doing ballet leaps? Well, just a friendly warning- make sure you really are alone.

I got to work early as I wanted to get some work done before the frenzy of demands come pouring in. The open office I am in usually has around 30-40 people. It was empty and TOO tempting. Tchaikovsky's "Sleeping Beauty" blaring in my head, I became an impromptu ballerina and treated myself to a couple of graceful and elegant laps around the open space. (For the record, I never did ballet- this was my improvised version of ballet- stunning) No doubt to any onlooker I looked like a giggling mad cow galloping around with my arms flailing about- I didnt care, it was exhilirating. But why stop there I think....why not glide myself to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee?

After a little twist, I sauteed over to the door leading to the kitchen. I daintily pushed the door open and leapt out.... "Hello" says a totally startled young man while I am airbourne. I gracefully land on his feet and start screaming in his face with fright. It was uncontrollable- I was so scared! Not only because I had not seen him but also much had he seen??? Poor guy comes to work early to calmly start his day only to come face to face with a high pitched hysteric. I was so mortified I could barely apologize as I felt the color fill my cheeks- I can only imagine what I looked like. He politely nodded and ran towards the safety of his desk- no doubt scarred for life. Moral of the story- do not act like a lunatic, you end up alone. ;)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Art of Seduction Part 1

On my way home from work today, there was a busker playing the electric guitar. He was really into it- giving it his all. He loved his tune and was rocking it....that is, the theme tune of The A-Team. Great tune, don't get me wrong- . This reminded me of my university years and weekend clubbing.

Why, might you ask? Well, in the UK, you have clubs that have "cheese"nights, which bascially means they will play all the top pop tunes- recent and past. Those were good nights- very boozy..being drunk was a requirement not only because this is England, but also, you had to be pissed in order to enjoy and dance on such classic tunes as "Hit Me Baby One More Time", "I would walk 500 miles" and the like. Bare in mind, that this was also the opportunity of seducing and "pulling" (a British term to mean hooking up with someone). I will discuss courtship in the UK in another post- but tonight- I wish to express my amazement at the lengths men will go to to seduce and, more importantly, what they think will make a woman swoon and fall to her knees (not for that...pervs).

So, in this club, every friday was cheese night. Every friday, I was there with my friends. Come 2am- everyone is plastered and it's pretty much your last chance to get some action for the night. And, you know, you would think a club would put some kind of slow, melodious tune to get the mood going. Well no. Lights up. Clear the dancefloor (which by now is covered by broken glass, spilled drinks and other unimaginable crap.) And here comes the show ladies....Blaring is the A-Team theme tune. Suddenly, men go wild with hormones, booze and desperation to attract one of us ladies. And yes, you guessed it girls- what is the one thing that seduces us most in a know, that thing that we immediately associate with pure virile manliness, that makes us want a man more than anything in the world....Forward Rolls!!!! I bet Brad Pitt, George Clooney and all those heartthrobs are masters when it comes to forward rolls..right? I mean, that's why they are so anyways....back in the real world club:

These men were fighting it out to see who could do the most forward rolls on that disgusting dancefloor. I'd never seen such a thing- grown men, showing off by rolling on the floor, cutting themselves on the broken glass....incredible!

And the best part....when the A-Team theme tune ended, the men, covered in the shit they had picked up while frolicking on the floor, would look around at us ladies with that proud "did you see that?! Now imagine what I can do with you" look. - Yeah, I've always dreamed of pressing my face against a booze, sweat and shit soaked's a right turn on.-

So then, these lads would shake hands and give man-hugs to the other male participants- congratulating each other on their manliness. We, the women, were of course all swooning- mostly due to the copious alcohol we had consummed- completely stunned at this display. I was never impressed, perhaps I am too difficult to please and my standards are too high- which would explain why I am still single. But, I have to admit, it was pure entertainment!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Quit while you are ahead?

Starting a new job, meeting new people and trying to make a good impression is always stressful. As a smoker, I have found that I have met many people by sharing a cheaky ciggie round the back or even sharing a lighter. This smokers camaraderie has always been, for me, one of smoking's greatest appeals. Until now.

Week three at work...I am starting to get the hang of things and getting a feel for the place. I am still new but people are getting used to me being around- might have even helped them. So, on this particular day, I go down to have a ciggie with my colleague. It's a sunny day, things are going well and I feel pretty good. We stand in the sun, watching people walk past us- yeah, I feel cool. I am about to light up when something literally explodes all over my head. I look at my arms and am shocked by the green muck all over them. My colleague is staring at me, a sort of half smile/half gag distorting her face.

I turn towards her, being careful as I do as I can feel goo sliding down my head- "Oh my it bad?" I only ask to confirm I have indeed been shat on by the sickest pigeon on Earth. "It's pretty bad...." Man, I am thinking of the embarrassing trip back up to the office: taking the always full elevator, walking through the open space to the bathrooms. So, I ask "Do you think I have time for a ciggie?" Her look told me NO and also showed a certain level of disgust towards my question. I have to quit smoking.

So, I did not smoke that cigarette, I took that full elevator and walked through that open space- all my new colleagues witnessed my walk of shame covered in bird shit. I went to the toilet and washed my hair in the tiny sink using up all the handsoap. Needless to say, I did not feel cool anymore. But, I had a good laugh anyways (as did all those who saw me that day.) No point taking things too seriously....Although, it would be nice to avoid further public humiliation if I am to finally meet and attract someone!!!!