Monday, November 28, 2011

Who's afraid of the big bad fart?

I think farts are simply hilarious- they are funny sounds, sometimes stinky smells, almost always a source of embarrasment as well as laughter. They are simple, they are free and they are natural- yet some people cannot come to terms with them: they get angry, flustered and sometimes aggressive (the people that is, not the farts- although farts too can be angry, flustered and sometimes aggressive- hee hee...). I have always found farts funny and I will never grow out of toilet humor...never. Nor do I want to. Best present ever with guaranteed hours of fun? A whopee cushion! People have asked me when I am going to grow out of it. Grow out of it? Why would I want to do that? Let's be honest, what kind of a person gets angry at a fart? Also, what kind of a person ignores a fart? I don't want to be one of them.

The best thing about farts? People's reactions to them: you have those who will do everything in their power to ignore them- even if the sound is deafening, the wind bracing and the smell toxic. Some start swearing under their breath, their angry eyes shooting accusatory glances around them, wildly seeking the culprit. Some are more vocal and express their disgust towards the one who delt it by insulting them. Then, there are people like me- who cannot help but laugh. I try and keep it in (the laughter that is) but then I start to smile. Smiling is the worst thing you can do when in this situation- because all of a sudden, everyone thinks it was you the Farter (which may or may not be true). You know what- it's a fart - get over it. Granted, some farts are worse than others- but still- they go away, they are not permanent.

Bit like life really- it's not permanent, it can be thoroughly unpleasant- in fact, it can downright stink. But, a little humor goes a long way and makes it all bearable. Ok- so not everyone might find them as funny as me- but ask yourself this if you ever catch yourself or witness someone else get mad at a fart- is it really worth it for a bunch of hot air?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Splashing along in life

How do people meet and fall in love? What is that magical moment that seems to "just happen" when you are not looking for it and that will forever change your life?

From what I gather in the UK you usually meet your true love in a bed (could be yours or his). You wake up  following a booze filled night of which you have almost no recollection, turn your head, look who is lying there and then decide if he's worth pursuing or not. He does the same with you- love blossoms or not.

But, Saturday, I saw the potential start of a beautiful love story in London- I mean Hollywood style. A friend and I were walking along a canal in Hackney. We came to a bridge and started to walk underneath when we noticed a most peculiar scene. An old, drunk angry man was shouting "You're fine! You're not hurt!"  at a woman sat on the edge of the bank with her feet in the water: She was visibly distressed and very wet. Behind her, an Adonis is moving her bike over to the side and ringing out her wet hat and bag. Sherlock Holmes would agree with me: this woman had fallen in the water and was being rescued and comforted- to a certain extent- by an old stinky drunk and a young man.

The woman, drenched and very possibly in shock, still had her red booted feet dangling in the water. But, she was not bothered by that. She started to scream and look up to the sky....hugging her ruined laptop. She tried to shake her laptop to get as much water out...but her efforts were futile. We asked if we could help, were told to fuck off by the old fart, and started to walk away. But, my mind was racing... I could not get over two things:

1) How precious that laptop seemed to her. It was as though she had lost her life, the way she was reacting. In my world, the only reasonable explanation was that she was possibly a writer who had just finished her masterpiece, had not backed up her work and rode her bike furiously to bring it to her editor...only she fell in the water when she swerved to avoid the drunk man, thus losing her precious work. In my world, that makes sense.

2) How gorgeous the young man was. He really was stunning. I actually considered throwing myself in the murky disgusting canal to see if he would save me.

All of this got me thinking: this could actually be that woman's lucky day- that magical moment where she meets her true love...a bit dramatic, I agree, but still a possibility. A knight rescuing his damsel in distress....OH HOW ROMANTIC!!!!!

It has occurred to me though that there could be many other interpretations, and indeed truths, of the scene I saw- but I like mine, it fits nicely and is sweet. I like the idea that something great can come from a truly shitty experience or day. Or perhaps I'm full of shit.

My friend and I continued along towards the market- both of us agreeing that the young man was absolutely one of the fittest real men we had ever seen- One day, I too will meet someone- there will be that moment... I just hope it's not hungover in his sheets. I'm not sure how I could tell that story to my future children and grandchildren. :)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Boggie and Me

This is my story of Boggie. A man who, without any shame or second thoughts, picked his nose in front of me on the London Tube. That was pretty gross- but then he actually ate his booger. He seemed to be fully enjoying his morning treat, completely oblivious to the fact that I was struggling with nausea and dangerous mounting levels of bile. I mean, who does that, especially in public? My first thought: Only men would do that. A woman would never do that- certainly not a single one- and get away with it. Is that an unfair assumption? I certainly believe that as women, we are expected to act more daintily and dignified and that men can get away with more daring behavior.

For instance, when you have a terribly itchy can't just scratch it if you are in public. NNNOOO!!!! That would be disastrous...imagine touching your own boob and scratching it...why it's practically masturbating in public! So, what do we do? We start shifting, crossing our arms, desperately trying  to find a way to relieve the itch without anyone noticing. Filled with embarassment, discomfort we struggle with the urge to just give in and scratch.... It's a boob for God's sake! Part of our bodies, of who we are... I actually envy men for their nonchalance towards public embarassment. They don't think twice- they don't care who is watching- all they care about is their comfort. So, when that ball sack starts to itch, they don't hesitate once to just grab it a give it a satisfying scratch.

But, back to my dear Boggie- there are standards of hygiene and social behavior which I believe everyone should respect- man or woman- and picking your nose and eating your bogie in public is totally out of bounds. Anyways, there is always a silver lining: Boggie could have rolled his booger between his fingers into a firm snot ball and then inadvertently flicked it in my face. I guess in the end, he did keep it to himself. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Yearning for that Gene Kelly moment

Remember the guy I asked out last Friday? Well, it's not going to happen. Although not surprised, I was seriously bummed about that today. So, I decided I was going to treat myself to a date with myself tonight. Just so happens that the BFI (British Film Institute) is screening MGM musicals over the next couple of months- possibly my favorite films of all time. Tonight's screening was "An American in Paris". I told my boss I needed some one on one time with Gene Kelly and she let me leave an hour early....OH the thrill and excitement!!!!! I had never watched an MGM musical on the big screen...serious treat! And it begins....

I love Gene Kelly- a truly talented dancer and entertainer. He makes me feel great. As I was watching him fall in love with Leslie Caron, I thought: what a lucky girl.... Thanks to the score and lyrics of the Gershwin brothers, this is what Jerry Mulligan (Kelly) serenades Lise (Caron) with on their FIRST date: "Our love is here to stay, Together we're going a long, long way". Yes, I am a sap and I do dream that one day a man will whisper beautiful words to me. It would be a refreshing change from "yeah, I'd shag you"or that ultimate classic "you seem nice...but is your friend available?"

Who hasn't dreamed of living a Gene Kelly moment? Who hasn't dreamed of being the cause of someone else's Gene Kelly moment? You know, where a man is so excited, enthralled and deeply in love with you that the only way he can express himself is by uncontrollably breaking into song and dance. MGM had it right, they had the formula with their uplifting and thrilling musicals....the formula for pure joy. DAMN YOU MGM!!!! Thanks to you my perception of love and romance is totally unrealistic and askew. In these movies true love always happens with one look. Then the man is so taken by the woman- he chases her, harasses her because he knows he cannot live a moment longer of his life without her...They sing, they dance...that's love right?

The later years would be something to see- them in their 70's swinging with their zimmerframes, risking a hip replacement or even a change of underwear when doing a pirouette (yes, that film would be called "Skidding in the Rain"). But back to romance...

I would love for a man to react as Gene Kelly does just because of the way he feels about me. I would also love to react like Gene Kelly because of a man. It's crazy, insane and completely unrealistic....I KNOW! But still, deep inside I think we all hope to feel such emotions that a rainy street suddenly becomes a stage for expressing yourself with delight. I have never been in love- but I imagine that when I do fall in love that I will break out into song and dance...even if it is only in my head. Tonight, I walked out of the movie theatre filled with joy and hope...alone. And I felt great. Thank you MGM, thank you Gene Kelly, Leslie Caron....I look forward to more dates with Kelly, Sinatra and many more. I also look forward to falling in love one day.