Monday, April 16, 2012

Date with Von Bismark, the most intelligent man in the world

First date with my first man! How exciting!!!

I get to the place and get a text that he got a table to the left- oh the jitters! Then I see him sitting at the table. He seems nice. I sit down across from him. Order my glass of wine- everyone is all smiles.

So, he is a super intelligent engineer who managed to invent all sorts of cool things during his studies landing him a super important position in a major wireless telecom company. He is very intelligent and he knows it.

He seems nice and I like his smile. It would seem the conversation is flowing nicely. The first sign that things are odd occurs during his explanation of his job. I am following his explanation when all of a sudden he uses the word "correlation" and stops in mid-sentence. He then starts giving me the definition of the word "correlation" before returning to his explanation. I was a bit taken aback by this- he must think I thick or dumb! I decide I am obviously not coming across as the sharpest knife in the drawer, so I engage more in the conversation and also point out my academic achievements. (As you can imagine, my confidence was a little frazzled).

The waiter comes and asks if we want to order food. Von Bismark here orders something I do not hear- and the waiter turns to me. Well- I had not been given a menu and my date had not had the common sense to hand me his, so, I ordered what he was having. After the waiter leaves I ask Von what we were having- turns out it was a pizza with garlic prawns on it (YUCK!) Von B then starts defining the word "prawn" to me!!!!!! "A prawn is the British word for shrimp" he says smuggly. Oh really?! Thank you Einstein- must me my lucky day some fucking genius dains sup in my company. I think he noticed the shocked look on my face- "But, of course you know what a prawn is- you lived in the UK".

The food arrives- really, there are no words to describe how disgusting this thing was. Pizza Hut make better pizza. I ended up picking the PRAWNS off the pizza and ate them. He loved it- even finished mine. He then gets up and excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He returns a few seconds later, picks up his cell phone and goes back to the toilet. I realize two things at that moment: 1) this guy is fucking short- I mean I was taller than him and I am super short 2) I may not have the IQ of a savant, but when a man takes his phone to the toilet with him it is usually to occupy himself while he takes a shit. Or else, he is pretending to go to the toilet to make a call. Either way, I am thinking I want to get out of there.

He returns and then, here we go ladies: brush off sentence number 1: "I need to get back, I have to get up early tomorrow morning"- yeah right!

He pays (very decent of him, although I did propose to split it). As we walk out and are about to part ways he says, here we go ladies: total brush off number 2: "Lets stay in touch". Oh yeah, sure buddy old pal! I've always wanted to be "in touch" with an obnoxious midget. Also, be a man and just say good night.

No- I smiled politely, thanked him for dinner and walked home. On the way I deleted his number and started to get excited at the prospect of meeting someone else.

Bye bye Von Bismark! The search continues. 

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